I really like Mandy's way with words. And she knows what she is talking about... she is in the trenches, having just returned from China with their new son and now mom to two toddlers.... Wheeee!
This is what she has to share about SLEEP or ... the lack thereof.
A Plan to Survive the First Weeks Home
Adoption is hard. The first few weeks home can be brutal or not. For us, it is hard, but I am not super mom.
I am so tired. The kind of tired that makes your bones ache and makes you laugh when things aren’t really that funny.
We adopted our second child, a son, 21 days ago. One week home from China, I find myself in a state of extreme sleep deprivation.
Last month, I wrote about my mind being in China while we were in the final days before traveling to adopt our son. This month, my friends, I am not sure where my mind is. I lost my mind somewhere between jet and lag. Arriving home from China just last week, I am jet lagged and chronically sleep deprived. Plus, we all came home from China ill.
We are surviving at the Moore house. In fact, we just bought paper plates and bowls in bulk, because I cannot deal with dirty dishes these days.
I must confess. I am not superwoman. My body does not handle jet lag or sleep deprivation well. I’ve followed all of the jet lag tricks, taken all homeopathic remedies, and on and on, but my body takes a very long time to recover from jet lag when I fly from Asia to the United States. Many say it takes one day for every hour difference, so in our case 14 days. Adding two jet lagged toddlers to the mix who are affected by jet lag at different times throughout the night and are sick with bronchitis and pneumonia means this momma has not slept much the past week — a couple of hours each night and an hour at nap time with the kids. Though I know not all struggle with sleep deprivation in the first weeks (or months) home, I know I am not alone.
I think those outside of the adoption community are often unaware of the sleep issues that many face and how hard the first few weeks are once home. During our first adoption, people who meant well often commented that we were so lucky to be adopting a toddler because the sleepless nights would be a thing of the past. However, it is well documented that many children who have lived in orphanages have sleep issues — and this would be very true for our daughter who we adopted two years ago. The first six months home with our daughter were truly consistent with a newborn’s feeding schedule at night, plus night terrors, and extreme grieving. We weren’t sleeping.
Our international adoption doctor often reminds me that sleep deprivation is a torture tactic, and new moms, whether through childbirth or adoption, are often (not always) chronically sleep deprived. During our first adoption, Dr. Jennifer Chambers kindly said, “Mandy, we MUST come up with a plan to help you get more sleep. You must sleep.” Mommas, we must sleep and make it a priority.
Sleep is restorative — it helps our mental, emotional, and physical health. And though I have heard many joke that sleep is overrated, no, it is critical to our wellbeing, to bonding, and attachment. I recently read a research study that showed our ability to empathize and accurately read facial expressions is significantly reduced when sleep deprived (statistically significant). Both of these are so critical to attunement. If we as parents become dysregulated and we cannot attune, our children will siffer. Our wellness impacts everyone’s wellness in our home.
So friends, this is my attempt to provide some tips to survive and begin thriving the first few weeks home. My heart is that some of my ideas will make it a smoother transition. Most of these you need to do before you board that plane for China, so they are great things to do during the LOA wait!
1. How Will You Get Sleep
Momma and baba, you need sleep. The parent that is home with the child during the day needs to receive the priority for sleep because they need to remain regulated during the day for attachment reasons. How will you get sleep if your child has night terrors or is inconsolable? Some parents switch off nights where one parent is on duty and the other sleeps in a guest room.
2. Educate Yourself on Post Adoption Depression and Watch for Signs
Post-adoption depression is real. Our social worker did a great job educating us on this important topic and keeping in touch with us when first home asking how we were doing. A great book about this topic is Post-Adoption Blues by Foli and Thompson.
3. Talk Through Sleep Arrangements
My husband and I talked through different possible sleep arrangements. Our daughter who was adopted two years ago co-sleeps in a toddler bed that is pulled up directly next to my side of the bed. Though our daughter has benefited tremendously from co-sleeping, we knew it might not be the same for our son. Our son is currently sleeping in a pack-n-play at the foot of our bed because he does not want to sleep in our bed at all.
4. Add Experts to Your Village
International Adoption Clinic – Both times I have adopted, I have needed to reach out to our international adoption clinic while in China for help. First adoption, our daughter was so traumatized, we needed help with sleep. For our most recent adoption, our son has a need that was not in his file, and we needed to know if it was something we needed addressed right away or if seeing a doctor could wait until home.
Many of the questions I see online immediately following the adoption would be excellent questions for an International Adoption Doctor. Should your child take Melatonin? How much? Are these bites scabies or bed bugs? How to deal with night terrors? A pediatrician may not be aware of adoption related issues and trauma associated with institutionalization.
After a few weeks home, we will travel from Arkansas to our international adoption clinic in Alabama for a full assessment (pediatric, OT, PT, auditory, attachment, etc). It is so helpful as issues (medical, sensory, attachment, etc.) pop up. I consider Dr. Chambers and the team at UAB IAC key members of our village.
Therapists in Your Area – Though not all families need it, I think it is wise to familiarize yourself with the therapeutic resources in your area. Dr. Karyn Purvis recommends Theraplay for children from hard places and I have written about our experience here. Therapists trained in Theraplay can do parent-child sessions and sibling Theraplay sessions if sibling attachment issues arise. Many families find out after they come home and are in the trenches that there are few to no therapeutic options nearby. My daughter has benefited from Theraplay and filial play. It is also important for you and your spouse to have open conversations about your comfort-level about seeking out therapy if issues arise, and discuss this with your social worker.
Consult Your Agency’s Post-Adoption Team – Some adoption agencies have excellent post-adoption social workers who are expertly trained in post-adoption issues. Find out if your agency has a team like this. It was our first agency’s post adoption social worker who helped us find a therapist for our family. She gave me great advice those first few weeks home. If you are in the trenches when they call, be honest.
5. Who is Your Lifeline?
Before I went to China, I sought out a couple of my closest friends who have also adopted, and asked if they would be my safe place to vent, cry, express fears, etc. while in country. We need that support, that lifeline, when and if stressful things happen while away from home.
6. Hire Someone to Clean Your Home
Hire someone to clean your home the first couple of months home that way you can focus on attachment and bonding instead of cleaning.
Also, have a friend take and wash your laundry for you from your trip to China. We were doing laundry for days.
7. Groceries
Arrange for a friend or family member to stock your fridge before you come home.
8. Meal Delivery
Ask a friend or family member to set up a meal delivery for your family the first month to two months home, even if just once or twice a week. Many of my adoptive mom friends who have also had biological children say that people assumed they did not need meals delivered when welcoming a child via adoption into the family. Friends and family, many of us desperately need help with meals after the airport homecoming. Don’t assume that you won’t need meals. If you have lots of friends and family who live out of town, provide a list of restaurants that deliver or sell gift cards for your family to pick up take-out. If you are cocooning, express your expectations and boundaries to friends and family.
9. Make Freezer Meals
As I mentioned before, many of my friends have shared that family and friends did not help with meals once home. I would encourage you to stockpile meals for those jet lag days or doctor visit days when you have no time to cook. Before our most recent adoption, I just made dinner as usual, but tripled the recipes and stored meals with our vacuum sealer. Below are some of the items I cooked and froze –
Taco meat (ground turkey and shredded chicken)
Chicken Tortilla Soup
Dr. Pepper Shredded Pork
Shredded chicken
Bone broth
Baked Ziti
Beef Stew
Grilled chicken
Taco meat (ground turkey and shredded chicken)
Chicken Tortilla Soup
Dr. Pepper Shredded Pork
Shredded chicken
Bone broth
Baked Ziti
Beef Stew
Grilled chicken
10. Buy a Rice Cooker
Buy a rice cooker and jasmine rice. It cooks rice better than the stovetop, is delicious, and so simple.
11. Familiarize Yourself with Your Local Asian Market and Chinese Cooking
Learn about your child’s favorite dishes and food, learn about popular dishes from your child’s province, and go to your local asian market to purchase items for your newly adopted child so that you have these comfort items on hand once home. Both of our kids love Chinese noodles and steamed Chinese buns (found in the freezer section of our asian market).
12. Talk About Expectations for Time Off Work
If both or one spouse works outside the home (if a married couple), make sure you talk about expectations regarding when or if you will return to work. It is possible that your child will form a trauma bond with your husband, which has been the case in both of our adoptions. Both times, my husband stayed home the first week home. In addition, my daughter’s attachment needs were such with our first adoption that I was unable to return to work full-time. It is important to have conversations about possible scenarios.
13. Make Arrangements for Pets
Some recently adopted children are terrified of pets and my children are obsessed with them. However, it is important to come up with a plan and talk through possible scenarios. For example, we are currently looking at boarding our pets again because of some orphanage behaviors we are dealing with, and we want to prevent our pets from being on the receiving end. It might take more time to acclimate your child to your pets, and this can be a big source of stress.
14. Talk With Children in Your Home About Orphanage Behaviors
A few months before traveling to China, we talked with our child about orphanage behaviors and how our son might exhibit some of these when we welcomed him in our family. We developed scripts around this, and at an age appropriate level, talked about biting, hitting, and food issues.
15. Communicate Expectations with Extended Family
Extended family can either be an incredible blessing or another area of stress if you plan to cocoon. Make sure you communicate your expectations and boundaries to extended family ahead of time.
16. Surviving – Give Yourself, Your Spouse, and Your Children Grace
Often, we adoptive parents talk about “surviving” in China and the first few weeks or months home. No matter how prepared you are for China or adoption, there are moments when people are just surviving in country and once first home and you make ugly mistakes. So adoptive parents, if your behavior is off while in China and the first few weeks home, and you are with the people you love, imagine how different your adoptive child’s behavior must be if he is “just surviving” with strangers too. Survival mode for all is ugly, but it is often reality with such a drastic change. I am glad His mercies are new every morning. Grace upon grace.
17. Worship Music
I love to have worship music and scripture sung over my family throughout the night and during the day. Meditating on Scripture and singing hymns and worship music centers my heart. Overnight, I love to play Hidden in My Heart: A Lullaby Journey Through Scripture. I own all of them, and they are so beautiful and well done. One of my children has such anxiety with sleep, and I love that Scripture is sung over her each night. While we were in China, these words had a profound impact on us.
During the day, some of my current favorites are —
Trust in You – Lauren Daigle
Come to the River – Housefires II
I Need Thee Every Hour – Chelsea Moon w/the Franz Brothers
It Is Well – Kristene DiMarco
In Over My Head – Jenn Johnson
How Can it Be – Lauren Daigle
Come to the River – Housefires II
I Need Thee Every Hour – Chelsea Moon w/the Franz Brothers
It Is Well – Kristene DiMarco
In Over My Head – Jenn Johnson
How Can it Be – Lauren Daigle
18. Ask for Help
Ask your church, community, and friends for help if you need it. People love you and it blesses them to help you. Reach out if you need help and do not go at this alone.
19. Get Out in the Sun
When first home, if it is sunny outside, make sure to spend lots of time out in the sun. This will help with jet lag.
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